Authoritarian Upbringing
The concept of authoritarian parents is well-known in the counseling and human development field, and many of the same themes can be seen in authoritarian religious settings. So I wanted to dedicate a blog post to authoritarian upbringing in general, whether it was experienced by a person in their home, church, or both. (Content warning: religious trauma and child abuse)
What Is It?
The essence of authoritarianism is the principle of blind submission to authority, as opposed to individual freedom of thought and action (Britannica). Here is a link to an article with a brief overview of authoritarian traits seen in certain religious settings. It varies based on each person’s experience of their religion, but generally authoritarian religious bodies tend to dictate how their members live their lives, with gatekeeping in place that allows some members to use power dynamics to submit others into following rules and teachings as they understand them, discouraging individual thought or intellectual freedom. The article puts it simply: they are “conventional, unquestioned, and unreflective.”
(*As an aside, I am not here to tell you whether your religion is or was authoritarian. If an individual has experienced a religious environment that fit these descriptions, I believe that it is valid for the individual to call something authoritarian if they feel that it is. Church leadership can vary within the same faith tradition, so one setting may have been more or less authoritarian than another. As a therapist I can only hold space for the individual’s experience, and it is not my place to make assertions about the validity of an entire religion.*)
In families, the concept of authoritarian parenting, as distinct from authoritative or permissive parenting, looks like control and obedience being valued highly while open communication, give-and-take, and the child’s autonomy are not valued. It can look like “having strict rules that must be followed. Children are punished if rules are not followed. Punishment is usually harsh and punitive. It can become abusive, physically and emotionally.” You can read more about this parenting style here. I think parents can fall somewhere on a spectrum with this, and there can be authoritarian attitudes in parents who still do not use physical or abusive forms of “punishment.” Either way, the emotional impact of having an authoritarian parent may be significant, with or without physical abuse.
Its Impact
The impact may be felt more acutely in the home or in the church, depending on the person. Not all authoritarian families are religious, and I do not believe that all parents raising children in authoritarian religious settings share the same parenting style. Parents who value open communication, child autonomy, and independent thought can be a buffer from the impact of an authoritarian religious setting.
The hallmark characteristic of authoritarianism is the discouragement of freedom of thought. Power, control, and obedience are key. So, the first main impact is being wired to not think for yourself. What follows from this, is a person will be conditioned to associate guilt and shame with independence or being “different” than what authority figures expect you to be. This guilt, this sense of unworthiness, can stick around long after a person leaves the authoritarian environment. Choosing to think for yourself or embrace what you feel led to do, may be painful and may take time to achieve. People may latch onto another version of external authority at first. People are not robots (you can catch me reciting this mantra all the time as a therapist) and so we grow and heal in cycles… Integration takes time, and we cannot simply unprogram ourselves from power dynamics overnight. So, getting absorbed into new power dynamics is probably going to be tempting, because it feels familiar. People coming from this background may be used to being people-pleasers; used to feeling guilty, and so they may need time to practice setting boundaries and saying no, and rediscovering what a free “yes” feels like. It may take time to discover what they truly want, and who they are. Again, this does not happen overnight.
Authoritarian parents have actions and attitude that may lead a child to doubt that they are worthy of bodily autonomy, respect, open communication, and consent. This is both traumatic for a child, and disastrous in its consequences. Children who have not been taught about their own bodies, or given the language or permission to advocate for themselves in the case of abuse, will be less likely to report abuse, and also more likely to internalize blame or guilt with abuse. They will be more confused about what is and is not abuse, especially when their parent is an abuser. Physical “discipline” has been widely condemned by experts, but parents are sadly still permitted to do it within certain limitations, legally, in this country. Some authoritarian families go beyond the legal limitations of physical discipline, abusing their children in the name of discipline. The backwardness of a parent— a child’s caregiver and source of attachment— being the perpetrator of abuse makes this kind of abuse among the most heartbreaking. And this tragic betrayal of a child’s trust happens whatever the kind of abuse; physical, emotional, psychological.
A child might grow up to associate love with pain or humiliation. Mistreatment may feel familiar, or tolerable, for them in their future relationships. They may internalize the identity of “bad kid.” Related to this, young girls may not be educated on consent or told that they deserve to be in relationships where their consent is valued. A young woman may be more likely to accept and tolerate low standards in romantic relationships, if she was not encouraged to think for herself, shown respect, or seen as a full human growing up. Young boys in this dynamic similarly may not have been taught about consent, raised with communication skills, practiced identifying or expressing feelings, or raised to value gender equality. People who are Trans coming from this upbringing will often have to fight for their bodily autonomy and sense of self, against demands from authority figures to continue identifying with their assigned gender. There may be a pervasive sense that others know best, or they know you better than you know yourself, and you cannot trust yourself. This logically leads to a person being more primed to accept gaslighting. A woman who has been told that she is both supposed to be submissive and also discouraged from trusting herself, will be twice discouraged from asserting herself in a relationship.
I don’t have space here for a conclusive list of the effects of authoritarian upbringing. This article on authoritarian parenting lists other negative outcomes. But I will list a few more common experiences of people coming out of authoritarian religion: They might be deconstructing the ideas that: —they are inherently broken/sinful, —an authority figure’s will for their life is more important than their own, —their natural desires are to be repressed, —they may struggle to differentiate being selfish from having a healthy amount self-care/self-worth/self-love. —They may struggle with codependence, passivity, or passive aggression. —Finding a new chosen family or community may be difficult and isolating. The authoritarian religious setting may have felt like its own self-contained bubble, and changing your religious beliefs can lead to needing to find a whole new support system. Deconstructing from authoritarian upbringing does not have to mean changing religious beliefs, but for those who do, it can be extremely isolating.
If This Is You
If you relate to any of this, you may just be starting to deconstruct from this upbringing, or you may have started the recovery process a long time ago. Whoever has been through this deserves recovery and healing. You deserved to be seen as a unique, whole human worthy of respect as a child. To have your independent thought and experience valued. To have been given the dignity of open communication, and a listening ear. You deserved safety and predictability from caregivers. And you deserve good things moving forward.
Your history is unique to you. Your own intuition will tell you what you may need to focus on in your recovery process. One reason I offer humanistic, relational counseling is because I want to hold space for the client to direct their own healing and recovery. You know best about what you have been through, what direction you are prompted to go, and how you are going to get there. It might not come easily, but becoming attuned to your inner voice is such important work. I hope to allow my clients a safe and validating space as they take on this personal work, and if you find yourself in therapy during your recovery process, I hope you experience freedom, autonomy and respect within that therapeutic relationship. I also hope that this post can be a resource for you if you need to brainstorm topics to bring up in your therapy or journaling. Lastly, I hope you give yourself grace and patience throughout the process.
Sources:
Britannica, https://www.britannica.com/topic/authoritarianism
JSTOR Daily, https://daily.jstor.org/what-links-religion-and-authoritarianism/
MSU Extension, https://www.canr.msu.edu/news/authoritarian_parenting_style