Challenges of Leaving a Church or Religion
The highs and lows of faith transition are unique to each person, whether they are changing churches, faith traditions, just questioning things, trying out something new, or leaving religion altogether. I wanted to compile a list of common experiences. A sense of loss or grief can be pervasive through this transition, even if it also comes with a sense of relief.
Loss of Community
One of the main challenges for people who have left, or are thinking of leaving, a faith community is exactly that; losing a community. This could look like losing a shared spiritual practice in a community of people with things in common. Or it could be grieving loss in a family who once shared the same faith tradition and is now deciding how to relate when there are faith differences. Losing shared faith practices within your family can be life-altering.
Your support system of friends outside of the church that you attend can also be shaken by faith transition, depending on the situation. Someone may suddenly find themselves feeling completely alone, starting from scratch to build a new support system, at a time when they need it most.
Church communities can be powerful supports, offering ways to network and be connected. But even if a person retains a supportive network through the change, there may still be a grief over losing other aspects of the faith community, like the communal practices, embodied rituals, or reliable built-in community that a place of worship used to offer them. Some may be looking for new ways to engage with their community and volunteer their services, if they used to do that through their church. Switching from one faith community to another, the new one may have some things the previous one lacked, but you might grieve the loss of specific people or groups at your old church, if you are not able to be in community with them like you once were. If you are able to retain a relationship with them, this may soften the blow.
Rediscovering Your Sense of Self and Direction in Life
An even more complicated prospect than rebuilding community, is re-establishing your identity, sense of self, and your direction. This may apply to those who are grappling with deeply existential questions and navigating leaving a religious setting that was authoritarian, highly dogmatic, or high-control and are making a radical new start. Questioning whether you want to continue believing or practicing according to your current faith tradition is a very personal decision that can be overwhelming to navigate. For folks who go through that experience and find themselves leaving their church, it can be an arduous, extended process with no clear-cut directions on what to do, or what happens next.
A few of the challenges that come with this include:
Losing the external authority figure you once had, with its promise that it would lead you down the right path
Losing the identity you once had which may have been based in your faith identity, or faith community. The arduous process of rediscovering and reclaiming “you”.
Feeling overwhelmed when making decisions. What values, ideas, beliefs or morals will you prioritize in your decision-making in this new stage? You may be used to others telling you what to think or believe. Your faith transition may have shifted your views/values.
Needing to quickly find a new direction in life, such as a new career if your job was based in your old faith identity or tradition.
Reorienting yourself to changes from previous prayer habits; or no longer looking for signs or directions from a higher power to make your decisions.
Impatience, feeling the need to have everything figured out by a certain timeline. Feeling the need to “get it right” the first time.
Feeling a need to get directions, wisdom, or affirmation from others to feel secure. Not feeling comfortable listening to your intuition.
Seeing challenges as a sign that they are being punished; learning to navigate life’s ups and downs without questioning yourself
Learning (maybe for the first time) to connect with your body, its feelings, cues, needs, and thoughts. Starting to view, honor and care for your body in new ways.
Navigating how you will make meaning about life and your existence; sorting through many new ideas and questions. Experiencing instability, as if the ground has been pulled from under you and things are constantly in flux. Feeling exhaustion.
Guilt, Shame and Blame
A very common experience with faith transition is navigating feelings of guilt or shame, whether a person is recovering from a sense of guilt or worthlessness from their previous religious tradition, or whether they are feeling a wave of guilt for daring to question or leave that faith community. Guilt is ultimately not something that anyone can save you from feeling. As a therapist I cannot do that, I can only make space for the client to explore what’s coming up for them in connection to that guilt. Guilt, shame or worthlessness can be deeply ingrained in us from childhood. People going through faith transition may have been through religious trauma, but even after making the courageous choice to leave a traumatic/ abusive setting, they may still have a hard time giving themselves grace, care, or love, if they were taught to believe that it is selfish to look after or prioritize your wants and needs.
People making faith transitions may feel misunderstood by others viewing them from the outside, without understanding their unique situation or experiences. Being raised to prioritize how others interpret or judge you, and discouraged from independence and autonomy, will make it difficult to shake off other people’s opinions, even if they are wrong.
Other experiences of guilt, shame and blame include:
Knowing what people are probably saying about you behind your back, because they said it to you before about other “non-believers” or “sinners”.
Being told by people, even close family or friends, that you are an apostate, sinner, not walking with God, living in sin, or being told that they cannot see you anymore, or see you only in certain settings.
Being given materials that are trying to convince you to change your mind; being evangelized, even after asking them to stop.
Being told that you cannot be truly happy or free where you are now, because freedom and purity only come from (the faith tradition you left).
People using your past against you; using your past actions or statements or beliefs against you.
Dealing with guilt or shame if you come back to the same, or similar faith community after spending time away. Not giving yourself permission to question or explore your faith, instead apologizing or feeling wrong for doing it.
The guilt and shame of second-guessing yourself, even if you do not end up choosing to go back.
Being told you are harming your children by leaving a faith community or faith tradition.
Navigating Boundaries
Navigating this faith transition may cause you to reexamine, and become more intentional with, your boundaries. People may become distant, or on the other hand may become vocal and very involved in your decision, and may try to influence you. People may be critical of your decisions, or your questioning before you make a decision.
You may be navigating setting boundaries indefinitely with your family and friends, at least until there is mutual understanding and respect of boundaries. Boundaries may be needed to deal with judgements from others that you are ‘going to hell,’ or are ‘no longer living a pure or good life’. A common experience is having to decide how much to engage with this, either opting to refute with your own argument or rationale, or on the other hand refusing to engage, or anything in between. It can be tricky deciding who can be trusted to actually listen and learn about what you’ve been going through during your questioning/faith transition process, versus who might be more likely to try to convince you out of it or pass judgement.
It may be a new idea to set boundaries based on your own judgements or needs, if that was never encouraged or permitted in your faith community. This can really tie into the process of becoming connected to your body and your intuition again, which I touched on above. Setting boundaries can be incredibly difficult if you are not used to it, and if you are not used to feeling like your voice and opinion are important. This can be the most vulnerable time in your life, and it may be the time that you are just starting to practice boundary setting.
Boundaries within your immediate family may need a lot of attention and nuance, if one spouse or partner leaves a faith tradition and the rest of the family stays. Open communication would need to be prioritized so that all family members are heard and respected, and so that the family can make faith-related decisions in as peaceful a way as possible. This scenario can be very stressful.
Continuing to Change, Learn, & Deconstruct
Your perspective might continue to change, and you might continue to deconstruct from your past beliefs. Whether you find yourself still in the same faith community or making a move out of it, your mind and heart might still be going through a shift. For those who leave a faith community, they still might need time to decide how they feel about some practices and beliefs they used to hold. Some of these beliefs and habits might include:
Shift in the belief that everything happens for a reason; that everything works according to God’s plan, questioning why terrible things happen to innocent people
Changes or questioning related to the idea of hell and/or heaven.
Questioning how you relate to a higher power or God; feeling abandoned by God at times; transforming in your understanding of who God is
Letting go of a need to have a Higher Power, or finding an alternate higher power that feels true for you
Realizing ways you were miseducated growing up; realizing a need to learn about different subjects or history you didn’t know about
Processing and correcting the ways your upbringing was sheltered, skewed, privileged, indoctrinated, blocked from seeing the real or “outside” world
Continuing to root out bias, bigotry, supremacy, ignorance, authoritarian habits that were ingrained during your upbringing.
Loss and Relief
There can be a lot of feelings; loss and relief, guilt and empowerment, confusion and clarity. It can be a vulnerable time, especially when you are in a phase of questioning before a decision has been made.
The whole process can be absolutely exhausting. You might feel burnt out on faith, or burnt out from thinking and praying about so many things that have been up in the air.
As difficult as it is to go through this, leaving that faith community probably started with a prompting from within to seek out an alternative that is more in alignment with your mind and heart. Taking in information, and then having your perspective shift, is a part of being an observant, mindful person. Questioning and working through perplexing issues is nothing to be ashamed of. While it doesn’t come without challenges, there is relief and pride in knowing that you are being true to you, and that whatever you are (or people say that you are), you aren’t complacent or stuck. You are being courageous, wherever it is that your transition leads you.