Anger and Healing
Anger is Important
Anger is a necessary part of healing for some people. It might not need to be a central part of the process for everyone, but for many people who are processing harmful, traumatic aspects of their childhood, anger is going to come up.
Coping & Defense Mechanism
Anger can come up for a lot of reasons. If you have been through traumatic experiences, anger can be a fierce defender that is still saying “no” to the people and things that threatened you. It is your drive for survival, and your advocate. Anger may not always be a reliable advisor, but it is usually a part of you that is earnestly trying to look out for your protection. Your anger deserves respect and a listening ear, even if the threat has passed. Time passing doesn’t mean the anger just goes away.
Anger might also arise if, as a child you internalized messages from authority figures that you now wish you’d never been indoctrinated with. They may have been messages about you, that you now realize were untrue, harmful, or inappropriate for an adult to pass on to a child. They may have been messages about your body, harmful worldviews, or religious beliefs. As a child you were not developmentally ready to think entirely for yourself. That advanced ability would not come until adolescence. (The developmentally appropriate time for you to have started sorting through and maybe rethinking things your family taught you.) Maybe you were raised in environments where you weren’t given that space in adolescence to choose what you believed. Maybe you were punished for doing what was developmentally appropriate; thinking for yourself.
“Introjection”
In the gestalt tradition of therapy there is a word I like, which ties into this topic. It sounds like another word you may have heard of: projection. It is kind of the opposite of projection. “Introjection” is the concept of swallowing something whole without chewing on it. Projection is putting something onto another person. Introjection is something being put on you. If you are processing religious trauma or family of origin wounds, there will likely be a reckoning with the beliefs and messages that you introjected as a child before you were really able to decide for yourself whether it was true for you. And that is something that might need to be grieved. It’s ok to be angry about it, or sad about it. Whatever feelings come up are valid. The concept of introjection makes me think of this James Baldwin quote. (Apologies for the unpleasant imagery:)
“It took many years of vomiting up all the filth I'd been taught about myself and half-believed before I was able to walk on the earth as though I had a right to be here.”
Adults who have introjected messages growing up will need to take time to sort through how they really feel about them. It might be a mid-life crisis of sorts, and it can occur in young adulthood, middle age, or later. It’s never too late to pull apart those messages and hold onto what feels true and authentic for you, and leave the rest.
Anger Can Be Integrated
So, what do we do with our anger? Two things we can do: 1) Express it safely, and 2) integrate it into our lives wisely and compassionately.
The first thing is to express it. There are a lot of ways to do this: physical activity like boxing to expressive arts, listening to music. Talk therapy with a therapist who agrees to be a safe container for that anger is a very good place to bring your anger, and you can let your anger be heard one session at a time. I don’t think it should necessarily be seen as something to get “fixed”, instead it may be an important part of you that deserves respect and deserves to be heard for as long as it needs.
Over time, with patience, whichever methods of expression you use can help you integrate the anger into your life. It doesn’t need to go away, I don’t believe you have to get “past” it. But you can be more in control of it, and you can start to relate to it with compassion and with more of a sense of peace. Also, anger can be fuel for good. That might sound controversial, but I think it can, and this quote by Thich Nhat Hanh in an interview with bell hooks captures what I think I’m trying to say:
bell hooks: Before I came here I had been struggling with the question of anger toward my ex-boyfriend. I have taken my vows as a bodhisattva, and so I always feel very depressed when I have anger. I had come to a point of despair because I had so much difficulty with my anger in relation to this man. So yesterday’s dharma talk about embracing our anger, and using it, and letting it go, was very essential for me at this moment.
Thich Nhat Hanh: You want to be human. Be angry, it’s okay. But not to practice is not okay. To be angry, that is very human. And to learn how to smile at your anger and make peace with your anger is very nice. That is the whole thing—the meaning of the practice, of the learning. By taking a look at your anger it can be transformed into the kind of energy that you need—understanding and compassion. It is with negative energy that you can make the positive energy. A flower, although beautiful, will become compost someday, but if you know how to transform the compost back into the flower, then you don’t have to worry. You don’t have to worry about your anger because you know how to handle it—to embrace, to recognize, and to transform it. So this is what is possible.
Like Compost
Like compost can be used for plant growth, anger can be used to fuel compassion. And this only comes about after facing the anger, over time. This kind of transformation shouldn’t be expected at first. I think first you just express the anger and face it and be with it. Then, over time the integration (or transformation) happens. Anger at your trauma should not be expected to come with peace or compassion when you start this process. But down the road, maybe it can be a practice in inviting self-compassion for yourself, for what you have endured. Compassion for the interconnected suffering of others, maybe. Maybe connection in a support group with others who have shared experiences. Whatever form of mindful compassion feels right for you, anger can be a component of that practice.
It does not have to be compassion for the person who did harm; that is not something I think should be required. Rather, compassion and gentleness with yourself, after the fire of anger has raged and let itself be heard for as long as it needs. Then the anger will still exist, but it can start to co-exist with other parts of you. It can be one voice among many. Anger saying: “I never should have been harmed. I didn’t deserve that. I didn’t choose that.” Peace saying “Yes. And now, in this moment, you are safe.” Self Compassion saying “I welcome all the feelings that are coming up for me now. I give myself permission to feel what I feel.” This is what integration means to me: being consciously aware of all the parts of you, and those parts co-existing.